White House Walks back Biden Claims

Dateline: April 1st, 2022

Hot on the heals of President Biden’s ill-advised comments on pursuing regime change in Russia, the White House is scrambling to explain Mr. Biden’s latest comments given at an impromptu news conference on April 1st. When asked by a reporter about the previous incident, Mr. Biden said that after more reflection, he has come to the conclusion that “regime change in Russia is not a viable strategy for ensuring world peace”. The President was immediately whisked away by Secret Service agents, and reportedly rushed to Walter Reed hospital for observation.

White House press secretary Jen Psaki took to the podium to clarify the President’s remarks. “The President was off his meds today, and he is currently undergoing tests at Walter Reed hospital”, the press secretary remarked. She went on to clarify the comments; “President Biden, as you know, has a bit of a speech impediment, and what he meant to say was that “regime change in Russia is the only viable strategy for ensuring world peace.” Ms. Psaki stated that “we are not saying that the extremely evil Vladimir Putin has to go, we are just saying regime change in Russia is necessary for ensuring world peace and US prosperity.”  When asked by a reporter how regime change in Russia could be accomplished without the removal of the extremely evil Vladimir Putin, Ms. Psaki claimed that “all options are on the table, including exploding cigars.”

According to doctors overseeing Mr. Biden’s treatment, high doses of Thorazine would be administered for several weeks to clear up his condition.